I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He shit in the fireplace
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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