lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
