hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Randomize
