Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
