At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
