Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
