new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
