don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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