im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
