I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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