PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
