I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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