Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Randomize
