I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
