I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
