There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
