my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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