Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
