Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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