I seem to have left my pride at pride
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
