The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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