There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
