Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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