Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
