my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
