DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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