booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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