Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
