If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
