You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
