Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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