Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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