My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
