she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
