If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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