who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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