I met the friendliest cop last night
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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