you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
whose ass print is on the piano?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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