My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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