I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Randomize
