I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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