the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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