WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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