my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
