Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
