So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
