I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
