Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
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I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
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Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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