If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
