I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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