I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
