Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
