my mouth tastes like poor choices
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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