today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
