I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You ate ashes out of my bong
how drunk are you?
Several
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
