Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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