i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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