I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
