its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
