Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
