Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
