I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize