I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
