in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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